“Shoot … re-load … shoot” is an expression used to highlight an ineffective (and disrespectful) communication style wherein we have our say, then, when our partner is speaking, we are preparing (“re-load”) our response (“shoot”).

So often in introductory intake therapy sessions, I hear couples saying “the problem is communication”.  Invariably, on further investigation, one of the issues I hear them offering is that their partner doesn’t listen to understand.

We’ve probably all done it. You are discussing something with your partner but you’re listening and possibly nodding, however … you’re “re-loading” – thinking about your response.

Often, you may even feel you have a twitchy “trigger finger”, itching to fire your response.  You feel your response is on the tip of your tongue.  Sometimes, the itchy trigger finger gets the better of you and you interrupt and shoot out your response. This can occur in any conversation if you’ve made the style of “shoot … re-load … shoot” your style of communication.  Mates; co-workers; and, family are all targets.

While we are re-loading, we are only half-listening  and aren’t respectfully mindful of our partner’s communication. Whilst you might think you have a strong response loaded to shoot off, you very likely have failed to hear and understand your partner’s message and feelings.

Instead, of the “shoot … re-load … shoot” style of communication, slow down and really, really listen. Think about your reply when your partner has finished their message. If you do this, you will find you have better discussions, and you will understand your partner, or anyone else you’re planning on shooting a message at, far better.

If you think you might benefit from couples’ counselling, for an appointment with Chapman Marques Psychology & Relationship Counselling, phone Belconnen Specialist Centre on 6251 1880 or complete the Contact information form..

EFT helps couples experience each other in new ways that transform their relationship.

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) was founded by Dr Sue Johnson. It is a new way to understand adult love relationships, based on John Bowlby’s attachment theory. EFT can be successful in helping couples improve their relationship and deepen their emotional bond. EFT has been supported by over thirty years of research that supports its effectiveness.

EFT is based on the fact that people are inherently social beings, “hardwired” to develop and maintain strong emotional ties with our partner and loved ones. Thus. We know that people are strongly attached to their partners and that we rely on our partners for comfort and support. Attachment helps people be stronger and braver in the world. EFT states that we need our partner to be accessible, responsive, and engaged.

EFT views that relationships can become frozen in the loss of secure emotional connection. When this happens, a negative cycle or “dance” develops whereby each partner attempts to cope with their loss of connection. When couples enter negative cycles, they express anger, criticism, moving away from contact, icy silence, or  unhelpful distractions. Once they take hold, negative cycles can be triggered by the smallest behaviour or statement. As time passes these cycles erode trust and security in the relationship. EFT helps couples stop the negative cycles, first by identifying and mapping the cycle, then helping the partners identify and express their needs to each other in a way that helps each other to develop and express greater understanding, compassion and empathy. Hopefully then each partner can express more loving, compassionate responses.

Find out about Emotionally Focused Therapy:

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https://www.aceft.com.au/