Still living with your ex? Not Robinson Crusoe!
Now and then, in my practice of relationship counselling, I encounter a couple who have come to the point of separating yet are stuck in their shared accommodation. Sometimes it will be a rental premises, sometimes a purchased home. It can be understood why this is the case. Sometimes it is nostalgia with an ex-partner not wanting to exit a location where there may have been positive memories as an aspect of a now dysfunctional relationship. Sometimes neither partner will want to be the one conceding to the other. Sometimes it will be that both ex-partners are aware that alone financially they cannot afford the expenditure on accommodation that a joint income could sustain.
Often, a factor causing around a tenth of couples who have decided to separate to continue co-habiting is what many experience as the outlandish cost of Australian housing. There are reports of approximately four per cent of separated couples continuing to live with an ex-partner several years following a breakdown of the intimate relationship. Thus, there would seem to be a correlation between an ex-couples’ chances of still co-habiting and unaffordable accommodation costs. I have heard reports that around a third of Australian couples experience rent or mortgage stress, struggling to afford accommodation. Hence, it would follow that many couples experience increased financial distress when they disentangle their finances.
Who are those most likely to continue co-habiting after a relationship breakdown? Millienials, apparently. So, those aged twenty-four to forty seem most likely. The ageing Baby Boomers rarely do. Possibly because they’ve accrued enough investments to live separately.
When a relationship breaks down each partner needs to either find new flatmates or, if they wish to stay residing in the former home or are unable to break a lease, pay their ex-partner’s half of the rent or mortgage. Or, they can “go it alone”. And, to add insult to injury, not only are costs a worry, it can too regularly be difficult even finding a new place to live. It seems landlords prefer couples to singles as tenants. Having either experienced or read in the news of rental properties trashed by hooligan parties, landlords will tend to think couples may be less likely to destroy their property.
Another problem also rears its head. Having the names of both partners of a couple on a lease can generate considerable difficulty if there is a relationship breakdown. They find themselves bound, for a time, legally whilst the emotional bonds have been broken. Having to continue living in the same premises makes it awfully difficult for the pain of a relationship breakdown to heal. Further stress can also arise as partners stuck in broken relationships may experience sleep deprivation, anxiety, distrust of others, or resort to negative coping mechanisms, e.g. gambling or alcohol addictions.
Some partners of a broken relationship may find, given that there was an amicable agreement to break-up, and some attraction remains, that still sharing living arrangements can give the former relationship another chance. Sadly, some partners hope this will be the case but their ex-partner may not be of the same view.
At the outset I referred to “a couple who have come to the point of separating”. Another aspect is the couple who have not resolved the tensions of an unsatisfying relationship and have not decided to break-up – yet continue to live together in a dissatisfying relationship. That raises another lot of issues.
Counselling may help if you find yourself in this position. You might consider booking an appointment to discuss how to cope.
© Gregg Chapman, 2021.