We’re all familiar with a map. A map gives us information on the territory and helps us find our way.
Without a map we’re lost. We can even be lost with an outdated map. I recall before we had satellite navigation and electronic maps if we had an outdated map the changed territory could help us become lost.
The Sound Relationship House devised by relationship experts, Drs John and Julie Gottman presents the “Love Map” as the foundation on which a sound relationship can be built. A “Love Map” is an ingenious term in my view. Imagine going into unknown terrain without investigating it step by step. All sorts of events might occur. Some may be pleasant surprises. Others may be threatening and dangerous. A territory a map is based on is a mix of things in the real terrain. So, too, is a “Love Map”.
What do we find in “Love Maps”? We find our partner’s and our memories of wants; dreams; hopes; fears; passions; preferences; personal histories; turn-ons; and, turn-offs. They are our understanding of our partner, both past, present and emerging. Developing as accurate a “Love Map” of our partner as we can and sharing ours is essential for knowing each other well. The more we know, the better for a sound relationship.
Some examples of things we will encounter in a partner’s “Love Map” as we begin and continue to know and really understand them are: their major life dreams; their values – what really matters to them; simple things like their favourite foods; their favourite place; their preferred sexual interactions; their childhood history; their fears and hates; their friends; and things like their favourite movie, book, music etc
These are the things you’ll discover and be able to put into the “Love Map” of your partner when you take the time to explore. With a physical terrain it may vary as to whether it is easy or difficult to explore and map it. Sometimes there may even be threats. Mostly, it will be easier and fun to explore and map our partner’s experience and personality. At other times, it will involve difficulty and maybe even some suffering. How we best develop a “Love Map” of our partner is to ask open-ended questions that can’t be answered with a “yes” or “no” but require a story to answer.
Drs John and Julie Gottman, world leaders in relationship therapy, point out that on our “Love Map” of our partner, that unlike on the storybook pirate story map, an “X” doesn’t “mark the spot”, but if we take the effort to look closely, there are many hidden treasures in our partner’s “Love Map”.
A sound suggestion to develop and maintain a sound relationship, involves quarantining a regular time to discuss our individual experiences as well as our experience of the relationship. In so doing, we update each other’s Love Maps. Couples who do this report interesting conversations; a stronger connection; and, continually learning more about each other.
If you think you might benefit from couples’ counselling, for an appointment from Chapman Marques Psychology & Relationship Counselling, phone Belconnen Specialist Centre on 6251 1880.